Emma's Dilemmas: "My sex drive has disappeared since hitting perimenopause"

Since I hit the menopause, along with a load of other symptoms, I have found that my sex drive has basically disappeared. I have been married for only 3 years to my second husband and we have always had a really healthy sex life which has dropped off completely from my side.

I feel fat, tired, unattractive, fed up and when we do try, it is so painful. I have basically given up and so has he. I am so scared that he will leave me or go elsewhere.

I just wondered if you have had the same issue or any of your followers. I would really appreciate some advice, I don’t want my marriage to fail, I adore my husband, just don’t want to be intimate with him.

Many thanks, Anon"

Hello Anon,

If it's okay, I am going to call you Emma, because I went through this precise problem a few years ago. If I am honest, it is still an ongoing problem but it is definitely NOT insurmountable!

First of all, hitting the peri menopause, loss of libido is one of the most common symptoms but sadly, one of the least talked about. It feels shameful and embarrassing and I felt like a total failure as a result. It turns out that it is a combination of a few things – all of which can be solved.

From a biological perspective your enemy is that as a result of your hormones scraping along the floor – oestrogen, progesterone and testosterone (yep, we have it too), the one that is responsible for your sex drive; testosterone has basically left the building. This leads to total inertia and lack of interest in having sex. Luckily we can now get testosterone prescribed for us as a gel or a spray. Sometimes this can be hard to get from the GP, but insist on a load of blood tests and they will confirm that indeed your testosterone is no more – it is ex testosterone. This hormone is also responsible for retention of muscle mass, which is one of the reasons that you don’t burn so many calories when sedentary so it’s a really important hormone for us.

So, that’s the physical side. But, as we all know, as women, we need to feel emotionally connected to our partners too, and if this has been going on for some time then there will have been a natural distance between you and it’s breaking that “seal” that is often the hard part.

When you have been sexually active for a few years and then the “hot tap” gets turned off, it is often difficult to break the ice and turn it back on again. It feels forced and odd – which sounds bizarre when you have been together for so long, but there are so many expectations from both parties. So, in this instance, I would definitely recommend the “softly softly” approach and what worked for me was a thing called “the candle of hope” – don’t laugh, it worked!

But it doesn’t have to be that, it can be anything where there is no pressure from either side to actually have sex, but to try and regain the intimacy that you once had. Finding each other again. I found that when my libido disappeared, we just became buddies and spent our lives like room mates. It was so hard to reinstate the physical and sexual intimacy.

So, I bought a bloody great candle, and a candle holder and when it was dark I lit the candle and called it “The candle of hope”. No promise, just a gentle re-introduction of alone time, in the bedroom, soft  candlelight and some nice music and chat to start with. You then can take everything at your own speed and even if it starts with a few nights with the “candle” and just talking about anything and nothing, things soon move along and you will feel relaxed and things are less pressured to proceed with the “act” that you have been dreading.

 Now, the other thing to remember is that one of the things that SOOOOO many menopausal women is vaginal dryness. Not exactly a wonderful thing to have when you are expected to be on the receiving end of your husband who wants a few moments of unbridled passion and you are in intense agony. I was always scared he was either going to split me open or start a bush fire. There are some amazing pessaries that are available from your GP or just some good old KY jelly can often help, but I would definitely recommend some hormonal pessaries.

My final piece of advice is to be absolutely kind to yourself but also to explain to your husband/partner that this has nothing whatsoever to do with your feelings for them or that this is in any way (necessarily anyway) permanent. This is NORMAL. It takes patience and understanding and that is where you have to think out of the box and try and find what works for you to re-introduce your love and intimacy in the bedroom. We found that a candle in the corner of the room worked. It was symbolic of two teenagers not wanting the lights on and being a bit naughty. Nothing needs to happen, just a connection between the two of you that doesn’t involve washing his boxers or cooking the dinner.

Love, Emma

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While Emma can't help with any medical issues, she' is happily on hand to help provide advice with worries or questions you have about menopause, sex, relationships, marriage and so much more.